Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
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Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Plumber: I think I found the problem
what day is it?
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”