“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
You Might Also Like
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account