the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
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She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
twitter is a journey
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it