And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
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me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
quarantine day 3
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?