[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
What the hell happened in there??
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.