Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
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[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
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Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Friday night party time 🥳
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Just how popey was the pope today?
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”