You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
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You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Watson was Holmes schooled
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.