Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
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Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Omg 🤣
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Ah yes. The three genders
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today