Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
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Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”