[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
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Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used