journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
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Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
These work great until they don’t.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back