When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
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me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.