He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
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Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
mathematically impossible
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.