I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
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Mad Max: Furry Road
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*