*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
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[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck