And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
You Might Also Like
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.