[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
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Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”