Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
You Might Also Like
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!