Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
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[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Think I pulled my liver
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.