I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
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One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
good for her
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]