Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
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People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.