The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
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TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Running from your problems is cardio .
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.