Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
You Might Also Like
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.