i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
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[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due