My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
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[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Happy Thanksgiving
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.