Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
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What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
fair
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.