Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
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“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Sorry not sorry.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.