HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
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CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there