Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
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Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
🙂🙃🥹
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan