I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
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Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I am never leaving this website
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope