4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
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Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
the battle rages on
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
“Why you watching this shit?”