“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
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I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
fourth time’s the charm
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”