Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
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wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.