Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
You Might Also Like
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Oh boy, $150,000!
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers