current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
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Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Raisins are grape jerky.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Thank you corporation very cool
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.