Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
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Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.