Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me