HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
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Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
my fav colour is also hitler
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
My circle of trust is a meatball
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur