DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
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your elf on the shelf was delicious
wow he looks just like him
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
So true for me
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
When your parents check you’re ok.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews