Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
You Might Also Like
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs