“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
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Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?