it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
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Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I’m not proud
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth