Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
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Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.