how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
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My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.