I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
You Might Also Like
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
The pasta is now
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
“no gods no masters” = leo
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.