[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
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The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
it must be school picture day
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
it’s finally my moment to shine
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.