If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
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[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…