her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
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kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
It’s the weekend y’all
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’