Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
You Might Also Like
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.