Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
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Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.